Baby Dreams

Okay, I don't know about anybody else on the road to mommyhood, but I must have this deep-seeded fear that I'm going to be a horrible mother because I have had three separate dreams on different occasions (always the night after holding babies or heavy baby/parenting discussions) about how bad I'll be as a mom. While I realize that in reality I won't leave my child in a car while I perform in a musical (dream #1), or in a car while I attend a seminar taught by my pastor at some random school (dream #2), or forget to feed her/him for a month because she/he was sleeping (dream #3) it still raises serious thoughts about whether I'm subconsciously terrified about eventually being a mom.

I guess if I thought I'd be the best mom in the world I would be in for a rude awakening by the time Baby Sumner shows up, so I realize that I'll have a lot to learn and I may feel like a failure at times. But, I also realize that we won't be raising Baby Sumner alone, so family and friends be warned...I'll be a complete mess as a mom so I'll be relying on each of you to remind me that I have a baby in the back seat and that it needs to eat.

I'm sure more dreams will come, but I like the day dreams way better than the ones that come at night. The day dreams are full of sleeping babies, little giggles, and a small human that has both Dan and I wrapped around a teensy-tiny finger.

Anticipation

Dan and I have been married for 7 1/2 fantastic years, and we decided that now is as good a time as any to give the parenthood thing a try. Little did we know that it would be a little longer journey than we anticipated, but one that would develop patience, peace, faith, and ultimately surrender. We decided around March of 2008 that we wanted to grow our little family, and not by getting a third dog (Pebbles and Bailey...we love you). Everything was dandy and the doctor said we were good to go. Well, here we are in December without an embryo in sight. As the months have passed, I've gone through everything from disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, hope, and more disappointment, all tempered by the fact that we're still young and have a lot of baby making years ahead. The desire to have a child has continued to grow even more than it was back in March. Seriously, by the time our baby actually arrives, there won't be room in the world for all the love we'll have for the little one.

We just celebrated Christmas and my favorite gift of all was from Dan (naturally). He got a little onesie that says "Nothing's wrong...just testing you" with a little winking face. He wants to send baby thoughts my way, so I have it in my closet where I see it every morning and every night. The more I think about what the onesie says, the more I'm reminded of how much God is truly in control. Through this whole experience I've been committed to wanting only what God wants for us in his timing. It's difficult to surrender my plans to what God has for us, but that's just what the onesie reminds me to do...every day. I know that God doesn't want me to worry, and as far we know nothing is wrong that's keeping us from getting pregnant. He doesn't want me to be so concerned about what I think I'm missing that I end up truly missing out on all the great things in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me dearly and whom I love more every day, a supportive family that I get to see as often as I want, and friendships that will last for the rest of our lives. We both have great jobs and two adorable dogs that adore us no matter what mood we're in. Yet, in all that good, it's so easy to let one thing that's not going according to my plans become all consuming. So, I've decided not to worry. While I know that God doesn't test us to defeat us, I do think that he's teaching me things about my own desires to control my life (and ultimately the little lives we'll be entrusted with).

I've moved from anticipation to peace, from disappointment to contentedness, and from sadness to surrender (or at least I'm in process~ aren't we all?).