Mental block

There are a few different people at work who have had trouble getting pregnant and over the past couple weeks they've shared the info for their doctors who are currently helping them. It's so weird, because as much as I want to have a baby, I haven't gotten to the place where I want to talk to a doctor about it. I don't know if I just want it to happen when it happens and let God be in total control of the timing, or if I'm totally freaked out about going to a doctor who specializes in INFERTILITY. It's such a strange word. It makes me feel like, for some reason, I'm less of a woman, or a bad wife if I can't just get pregnant without the help of a doctor, even though those thoughts don't even cross my mind when hearing about other people's experiences. Maybe if I think of the doctor as a conception specialist or pregnancy facilitator I might be able to get over it. Even still, it's a big hill to climb. Maybe I'm really scared of finding out something that I don't want to know. That's why a lot of people don't go to the doctor even when they know something's wrong. Maybe I don't want to find out that we really do have a problem, or that we can't have babies at all.

Honestly, it doesn't feel fair or right or real to me that we can't just wham, bam, pop out a baby. We have so much love to give so why does it have to be so hard. It seems like no one can get pregnant on their own these days, and I just always envisioned it being so easy (at least that's what they make you think when you're in high school). Psychologically, I can't even say the word out loud when referring to myself (I definitely do not consider myself infertile). Mentally, I can't move myself to pick up the phone and make an appointment even though both people said that they love their doctors and one is even four months pregnant! I'm crazy. I want something, but won't take active steps to make it happen. I can't figure out if it's part of the surrender or part of the control. Either, I'm surrendering and just letting God take this situation and do with it what he will in his time, or I'm forcing His hand by not taking steps that could ultimately answer our prayers. It's so confusing and frustrating and disappointing all wrapped into one big question.

I think it's going to take me a little longer to process through the emotions and be able to talk about it. Dan and I don't even talk about it other than dreaming about when it actually happens. Honestly, it's scary and I feel like a disappointment every month when we find out, yet again, that I'm not pregnant. It's not that Dan makes me feel that way, but I just don't understand why it's not happening. I can only dream in terms of someday's, and maybe's, and when the time is right. I want to be saying twelve weeks along, two months to go, due in October. I want to talk about names and baby showers and car seats. I want to be decorating a nursery and hearing heartbeats and feeling little kicks.

For now, I just rely on hope.