Catch up

Obviously, there was a pretty big gap between my post in February when I thought I might have been pregnant (and wasn't) and when I found out that I actually was on April 3. Here's a rundown of what happened in March.

I was pretty bummed that I wasn't pregnant in February (and that's putting it lightly), but I ended up making snowboarding plans with some friends towards the beginning of March so I didn't really let it get me down. I continued thinking, wishing, praying, and even broke down in tears in the March church elder meeting because our pastor said that he felt a strong sense that we needed to wait (not just me, but he said it towards everyone and it really hit me). After a good 20 minutes I finally got it together and honestly felt like a lot of healing took place in the quietness of those moments. God has such an ironic way of using moments of brokeness for ultimate healing.

So, I felt like God was telling me to just wait and that things will happen when they're supposed too. I already knew this to be true, but hearing it in such a direct way really hit home. I carried on, continuing to hope and pray, but ultimately feeling like it might still be a while considering the "wait" message. Come mid-March it was time for my annual check up so I shared with my doctor that we'd been trying to conceive (ttc) for a year, so she ordered some tests for me and Dan just to make sure everything was working right. She spent a good 45 minutes with me explaining various options and sharing about her own history (best doctor visit ever...thanks Dr. Kroll). As she was walking out she said that she had a strong feeling that she'd be taking care of my pregnancy very soon and that she sprinkled her pixie dust on me for good luck. It sounds silly, but just her saying that gave me so much hope.

I know that a year of ttc is not long in the whole scheme of things, and a friend who was in the middle of the adoption process when she got pregnant said that now that her son is here she would have waited 10 more years knowing the joy he would bring. Regardless, there is so much unknown when you've been trying for a while with nothing happening. The fact that my doctor had enough faith for both of us was so reassuring. It turns out that her pixie dust (and all the prayers) did the trick because that night, or the next ;-) the stars aligned and little baby Sumner started to grow.

Of course, at the time I didn't even know it, but this is how funny God is...last year when the sign ups started for a snowboard trip to Brianhead, UT with the youth group from our church I decided not to go because I was convinced that I'd be pregnant by then. Well, March 17 or 18 was the magic moment, and Brianhead was March 19-22. So, even though I didn't know it, I actually WAS pregnant before Brianhead!! I ended up spending that weekend with some college friends who were in town (shout out to Laurie and Anna) so it was a great weekend no less, but I sure didn't think I was pregnant.

Fast forward to March 26, Dan had gone in for his test a few days prior (awkward for him...sorry honey) and he had been a little snippy for a couple days. So, that night I asked him what was wrong. After sharing a few things that had been bothering him he put his head in his hands and started tearing up. I asked what was wrong not really knowing what to think and he said that he was sad that we hadn't had a baby yet. Well, from that point the floodgates opened for both of us. We spent the next two hours on the couch crying together and sharing everything we'd been thinking for the previous year.

Now, you might ask why it took a year for us to get to that point (after almost 8 years of marriage), and that would be a very valid question. The short answer is that we were both trying to protect the other person. The long answer is that when I would start talking about baby stuff, Dan said that I was stressing too much about it and said that I shouldn't think about it because he thought the stress might be keeping me from getting pregnant. I knew that he wanted a baby but thought that he just didn't want to talk about it, so I wouldn't. Well, what was really stressing me out was NOT being able to talk about it, and the reason that he WASN'T talking about it was to try to protect me. We sat on the couch and talked about ALL of it. I shared how badly I wanted to be a mom and how scared I had been to go to the doctor because I didn't want to find out that something was wrong that might prevent me from being able to get pregnant. He said that he was worried that something might be wrong with him and said how guilty he would feel if he was the "reason" that we couldn't get pregnant. It was like a deep breath for our marriage. You know how there are those conversations that take place in a relationship or marriage that you never forget? The ones that reshape the way that you talk with each other, act towards each other, and just think of each other? Yeah, it was like that.

After we talked, we went to dinner and just carried on (what else would we do?). It seemed like that was what we were waiting for and our marriage will be stronger and better because we were able to have that conversation. And again, little did we know that at the same time we were crying on the couch, baby Sumner had already started to grow. But, God knew what we needed and I am so thankful that we were brought to the place where we could be so open and broken with each other.

We got Dan's test results the next day and they were a little questionable. Dan was very discouraged even though he was still within a healthy range for the test, so Friday 3/27 was a rough day for him but I think that it was actually easier due to the conversation we had on Thursday. So, we carried on just trusting that God knows what he's doing and that when it's his time and his way that our family would grow.

Then, April 3 came and everything suddenly changed. (Refer to April 3 posts).