Microscopic

There is a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, miniscule, as-close-as-you-can-get-to-zero-without-being-zero kind of chance that I might be a little teensy bit pregnant. I'm totally not getting my hopes up, but here's the deal. I got this microscope a few weeks ago so that I could start doing at home saliva fern tests to see when I might be the most likely to conceive. They sell kits that you can get for $30 but thanks to Craigslist I got a $10 all inclusive microscope that does the job. Every morning, you're supposed to put a little bit of your saliva on the slide and once it dries you look at it through the microscope. If it looks like a bunch of little ferns then it's a good thing. Most days it just looks like blobs, but on February 2 it was definitely ferns. So, here we are eleven days later and I've psyched myself into the possibility that maybe it really worked. I actually took a pregnancy test this morning, but it was so old that nothing registered on it (not even the control part) so that was useless. I'm feeling different today than normal and it's either because I'm coming down with something, or because there's a little teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, miniscule person already growing inside of me. Yeah right, not getting my hopes up? C'mon. I guess we'll find out tomorrow. What a great Valentine's Day present for Dan to find out on a day that we celebrate love that in a few short months we'll have someone else in our lives to love. Still dreaming.

Mental block

There are a few different people at work who have had trouble getting pregnant and over the past couple weeks they've shared the info for their doctors who are currently helping them. It's so weird, because as much as I want to have a baby, I haven't gotten to the place where I want to talk to a doctor about it. I don't know if I just want it to happen when it happens and let God be in total control of the timing, or if I'm totally freaked out about going to a doctor who specializes in INFERTILITY. It's such a strange word. It makes me feel like, for some reason, I'm less of a woman, or a bad wife if I can't just get pregnant without the help of a doctor, even though those thoughts don't even cross my mind when hearing about other people's experiences. Maybe if I think of the doctor as a conception specialist or pregnancy facilitator I might be able to get over it. Even still, it's a big hill to climb. Maybe I'm really scared of finding out something that I don't want to know. That's why a lot of people don't go to the doctor even when they know something's wrong. Maybe I don't want to find out that we really do have a problem, or that we can't have babies at all.

Honestly, it doesn't feel fair or right or real to me that we can't just wham, bam, pop out a baby. We have so much love to give so why does it have to be so hard. It seems like no one can get pregnant on their own these days, and I just always envisioned it being so easy (at least that's what they make you think when you're in high school). Psychologically, I can't even say the word out loud when referring to myself (I definitely do not consider myself infertile). Mentally, I can't move myself to pick up the phone and make an appointment even though both people said that they love their doctors and one is even four months pregnant! I'm crazy. I want something, but won't take active steps to make it happen. I can't figure out if it's part of the surrender or part of the control. Either, I'm surrendering and just letting God take this situation and do with it what he will in his time, or I'm forcing His hand by not taking steps that could ultimately answer our prayers. It's so confusing and frustrating and disappointing all wrapped into one big question.

I think it's going to take me a little longer to process through the emotions and be able to talk about it. Dan and I don't even talk about it other than dreaming about when it actually happens. Honestly, it's scary and I feel like a disappointment every month when we find out, yet again, that I'm not pregnant. It's not that Dan makes me feel that way, but I just don't understand why it's not happening. I can only dream in terms of someday's, and maybe's, and when the time is right. I want to be saying twelve weeks along, two months to go, due in October. I want to talk about names and baby showers and car seats. I want to be decorating a nursery and hearing heartbeats and feeling little kicks.

For now, I just rely on hope.

Affirmations

Last July when I really started to get discouraged, I came up with a list of short affirmations that help me re-focus and remember all the things I already know about God and His faithfulness. Whenever I start to question things or stress out I just read through these, take a few deep breaths, and it totally helps calm me down. God is so good.

God has infinite power over my life
His timing is always perfect
He will always do what’s best for me and those around me
Out of this experience only good will come
God is orchestrating the world in my favor
Everything is working out for my highest good
I am safe
All is well
Now be still

At work right now there are six people who are currently pregnant (or whose wives are), and one whose wife had a baby a month ago. You'd think that with so many people who are pregnant it would be inevitable for us to get pregnant too. Something must be in the air or the water. Oh well...all in God's time.