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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

One more thing


As little as I post here, it might be hard to believe that I really do process things by writing.  I guess things hum along pretty well for the most part, so I tend to write when there are bigger things happening, or when so many little things have added up that they equal a big thing.

Well, the one thing I didn't mention in my recent post that's also part of our story is that the day after Dan accepted his job, I found out that I was pregnant (sad ending, don't get excited).  We were speechless.  It was July 4, twelve days before we both started new jobs, and then the awesome joy of our littlest one on the way.

We dreamt of all of the possibilities; lifetimes of potential.  We had prayed for so long, and so many great things had happened within such a short time for us, that it made sense that this would be part of the amazing story that God was writing for us.

Not a day, and barely a minute went by (and still goes by) that I didn't think, dream, picture, and pray for our baby.  

But, for reasons that only God will ever know, we'll never get to meet.  The whole reason people wait to announce a pregnancy is because the first trimester is so risky, but the reality of that is so painful.  I was only about six weeks along, but the minute I saw "pregnant" on that test I was picturing a baby in my arms.

A few weeks have passed now, and there have been so many times when I remember my own words about the positive seasons of life providing reminders in the harder times about God's faithfulness.  There are just some dreams that are forever unfulfilled because of the nature of things, and unresolved air is the hardest to breathe.  

Sweet little one,
I'll never forget the short time you spent with me, and I am changed because of the love and loss I feel for you.  You will always be part of my story and I'm grateful for your life.  I celebrated you, I miss you, I cry for wanting you so badly, but I know that God will bring healing and restore my hope.