1/3 of a year

Okay, Emma, I think this is going to be the last time that I say how fast time is flying by. It's not that time is slowing down at all, but it's never going to so I just have to get used to it. I'll indulge myself on birthdays and major milestones (first day of preschool, high school graduation, wedding, and maybe a couple more) but you won't see it written here every month anymore.

You're four months old today, and so much has happened this month. I started back at work after being off with you for the first 14 weeks of your life which meant that you started day care. It's been kind of a mish-mosh but so far so good. Each week you get to spend time with daddy, Grandpa Mike, Great-grandma June, Aunt Becky, and Joan's daycare. Like I said, it's a patchwork but daddy and I are so thankful for all the people who love you and look forward to spending time with you. You've handled it like a champ and have definitely settled into your groove. And, after this week you and I will have more time to spend together because I'll be back home with you during the day for a little while until I find another job. I can't wait!!

This month, you also started rolling over! Not just from your tummy to your back, but also from your back to your tummy. It's so fun seeing the look on your face when you flip-flop. I can tell that you're so proud of yourself and we're so proud of you too. Our faces light up when we see you smile and they really light up when we wake up in the morning and realize that you slept through the night. Although, lately you've been waking up in a completely different position than how we laid you down.

For example, a couple days ago I laid you in your crib like this at bed time.

And when you woke up in the morning you were like this.

Now I know why cribs are so important. If you can move like that with all of your limbs in the swaddle, we're in for a treat when you start coordinating the use of your arms and legs.

You're also falling into much more of a routine and that's helping you sleep longer at night. Lately you've been going to sleep around 9pm and waking up between 5-6am. I'm hoping that you get a good night's sleep tonight too because tomorrow is your four month doctor's appointment. I know your doctor will say how much you've grown and how perfect you are.

I can't believe how much fun it is to be your mom. Your dad and I both love you and are excited to see you grow up. I'm sure that within a couple months you'll be crawling around and once you start walking we'll talk about rent. You'll basically be grown up by then, so it will be time to start treating you like a grown up.

The world is your oyster my sweet girl...open with reckless abandon!!

Love,

Mommy

I Give Up

It's true, I give up. I don't know how it happened so fast (and I certainly wasn't expecting it so soon), but I'm tossing up my arms in surrender. My 15 week old daughter is totally ignoring my very clear direction to save all of her "firsts" for either Dan or myself. If she's this defiant already then I'm throwing in the towel.

I made this decision yesterday when I dropped Miss E off at my parent's house for the evening. We were playing with Emma on the floor when my dad said how cute it was that she rolled over last week (insert sound of anything...record, car, anything coming to a screeching halt). "WHAT?!?!? She rolled over?" I couldn't believe my ears. I, her mother, didn't even know that she had reached this significant (albeit taken for granted and quickly forgotten) milestone. How can this be? My dad said that he figured that she had already done it because as soon as he put her on her tummy with her arms under her chest she pushed (maybe fell) onto her back. I told him that she hadn't done that for us yet, so we spent the next 30 minutes completely entertained by watching Emma roll onto her back.


At first I was almost hurt. Not because my dad didn't tell me, but because I realized that this likely won't be the only "first" that we miss. I carried her for 9 months and birthed her into this crazy world, so doesn't she know that I'm entitled to it? I earned it, for goodness sake. But, with Dan and I both working, it's inevitable that other people may actually be the ones to see her take her first steps or hear her first words. Part of that realization does send a twinge of guilt through me, but it makes me more grateful for the people caring for her who can encourage her, along with us, to continue growing.

I don't want Emma to ever feel like she has to wait for us to be ready for her to grow up (because that will never happen). I want her to have a healthy confidence in herself and trust her instincts, and if we're not there when she's ready to take her first step then so be it. We will always be her biggest cheerleaders whether or not we're with her. She never has to impress us because we already love her with a deeper love than I thought possible. We want her to be successful at whatever she puts her mind to, and as long as she knows that we've always got her back then I'm happy. So, I give up thinking that I have to be the most important person in her life. Our job as her parents is to help her grow up so she can move out.

So, keep rolling over sweet girl, and if I'm not there when you want to crawl then do it anyways. But, feel free to hold off for a little bit longer. I don't think I'm ready for you to be mobile. Oh wait...I give up.

Emma Rolling Over

Sorry for the poor lighting, but you'll get the idea.

Back to work

Well, today was a great day for a quite a few reasons, but the biggest one is because I started back to work today. Dan spent the day with Emma and I got to see my friends for the start of my last month (my position was eliminated so my last day is April 2). I thought that I knew what today would be like...leaving Emma for the first time for a whole day, and all. I expected some tears (more from me than from her), some guilt, not being able to focus, and a variety of other struggles. Without a tear in sight I left Emma resting peacefully with her dad and drove my little convertible (Zoe) to my office. Once there I settled right in to my routine with some oatmeal and tea, then said hi to some people, and got reacquainted with my desk.

I left for lunch and realized how much I enjoy my job (which highlighted how much I'll miss it when I'm not working there anymore). Regardless of where I'm working or what I'm doing, I think that I'll always need some kind of work in my life to keep me balanced. I felt a little guilty for feeling so good about not having her with me, but my mom said that it just means I'm confident in the decisions that Dan and I have made regarding her care and me going back to work. I know it helped that Dan was the one watching her that first day and I got to see them for lunch, but I didn't feel like a bad mom for going back to work. It was actually relaxing to not have someone dependent on me 100% of the time. I was recharging from the past 14 weeks and I knew that when I went home I would be able to have fun with Emma and Dan and feel rejuvenated as opposed to exhausted.

Another reason it was a great day is because my manager sent me flowers and a card that everyone in the department had signed welcoming me back. I also had a follow up appointment from my eye surgery last week to remove the cataract in my left eye and everything is healing perfectly. My eye is still dilated and I already have 20/20 vision in that eye (great news).

So, the rest of this week will be a patchwork of daycare, but most of it's free so I can't complain. We'll see how it goes, but I have a good feeling about this.